Quotes From Women

 I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes
 because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not
 blonde.  -Dolly Parton-

 You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but
 you hardly ever  see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
                -Erica Jong-

 I want to have children, but my friends scare me.
 One of my friends told me she was in labour for 36 hours.
 I don't even want to  do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
               -Rita Rudner-

 My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or
 have a child.  We can't decide to ruin our carpet or
 ruin our lives.
              -Rita Rudner-

 I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a
 free dog.
             -Wendy Liebman-

 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have
 given birth.
              -Erma Bombeck-

 If high heels were so wonderful, men would still
 be wearing them.
             -Sue Grafton-

 I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you
 can ride on.
             -Roseanne Barr-

 I think-therefore I'm single.
             -Lizz Winstead-

 When women are depressed they either eat or go
 shopping. Men invade another country.
             -Elayne Boosler-

  Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
             -Maryon Pearson-

 I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't
 itch.
             -Gilda Radner

 In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man;
 if you want anything done, ask a woman.
             -Margaret Thatcher-

 I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to
 combine marriage and a career.
            -Gloria Steinhem-

 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to
 marry.
            -Gloria Steinhem-

 I never married because there was no need. I have
 three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a
 husband. I have a dog which growls every morning,
 a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that
 comes home late at night.
            -Marie Corelli-

 Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
             -Baroness Edith Summerskill-

 If men can run the world, why can't they stop
 wearing neckties?  How intelligent is it to start the
 day by tying a little noose around your neck?
              -Linda Ellerbee-

 I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave
 a man I keep his house.
              -Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

 

 

 

A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place
far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After
spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother
to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and
not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her
distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?

She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car
designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one
for going back!"

 

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on



The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

 

 

 

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him.

He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man
says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get
the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in
this one either."

 

  

 Rough Landing
 --------------
 
 George, a career Army officer I once met, was jumpmaster for
 his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight
 was pretty rough, and, after a while, George called off the
 jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base,
 and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of
 the neophytes got airsick.
 
 "How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't
 handle the smooth landing?" asked George.
 
 "Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped out
 of planes. We've never actually landed before."
 

 

 

 

The little girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless
 me, Father, for I have sinned."
 
"What is it, my child?"
 
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
 Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself
 how beautiful I am."
 
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said,
 "My dear, I have good news.  That isn't a sin - it's only
 a mistake."

 

 

 

 

 On a quest for the freedom of my soul!

In days passed the seekers of knowledge and freedom, those who dared to be different by being themselves, were hunted down and burned at the stake. Fear was their enemy, ignorance their executioner. Those who fear to think allow others to do it for them, and so follow blindly, until the merciless grinder of convention crushes their souls.
Freedom lies not in the tyranny of common acceptance, but along the other path, that which leads to places hidden, where are found those ideas once called “forbidden”. Something “forbidden” is a truth covered over by fear and superstition; the word a lie wielded by those who profit from imprisoning us within the walls of narrow convention.

Break down the bonds of convention! Dare to be free! Look for truth and fulfillment beyond the narrow confines set for you. Be yourself, spread your wings and soar free upon the wind!

Remember, the higher you soar the smaller you look to those who cannot fly.

Nurture the uniqueness within you. Rouse your spirit, and follow your vision. Listen not to the deafening blare, but instead to the earth, the wind, and the beating of your heart. Accept no truth, which you do not believe, embrace no false convention for dread of being “different”. Forget those lies that seek to imprison you with chains fashioned by those without the strength to be different.

 

I not write this. I find it with my sister college papers but she not

remember where it come from.

 

 

 

 

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50
dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another
chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take
you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not
say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.